I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
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Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
me and who
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment