Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
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*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me