How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
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HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
God, I love Scotland
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread