Happy Febuary everyone!
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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Monday?
No. Next question.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.