[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
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[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
the council will decide your fate
Bros before Ohioes
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
If I ignore life will it go away?
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee