My Indian name is dances without coordination.
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So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored