Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
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[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*