2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
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Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash