They’re not wrong
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Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.