If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.