Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
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Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
and this one
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.