Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
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“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
My current situation
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this