[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
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The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Watermelon Boss!
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life