MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
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My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
It has been 3 years since Monday.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.