Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
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Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
The symmetry is uncanny.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.