“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
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All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Happy Caturday!
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
My brain is a bad influence on me
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
scared to check what name she chose
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.