judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
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“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Just me?
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.