they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
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For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back