cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
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If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
So can we start calling them Traylor now?