Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
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me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Girl, same.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in