If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
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Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
God, I love Scotland
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.