I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
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My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.