When life hands you women, make women laid.
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Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
(True)
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.