my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
You Might Also Like
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”