Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
You Might Also Like
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first