I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
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The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.