People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
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DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Storm Tropical Storm