It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
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Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
oh you like architecture? name three walls
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.