#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
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Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.