therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
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me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?