Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
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Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Don’t frighten the programmers!
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”