Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
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Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
My inexpensive home security system…
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.