him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
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A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.