How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
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One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
*3.5 thank you very much.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
S O O N
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.