We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
You Might Also Like
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
i did the math
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.