why isn’t he texting back
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Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Pigeon open mic night.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.