I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
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“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.