I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
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Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.