I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
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i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
LMAO
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke