I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
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You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
my first day as a raccoon
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….