Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
You Might Also Like
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
💁🏻♂️
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.