Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
You Might Also Like
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Natty or not?
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.