You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
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Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
The Assassin.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”