Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
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A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.