[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
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I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
termite twitter scares me
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.