Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
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probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
oh u like geography? name every lake
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends