‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
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[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Bring back the McRib
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?