I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
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kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
me when i see my girls butt
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.