People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
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My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.