My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
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If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…